In today’s political landscape the word “conspiracy” is thrown around nonchalantly, which is a bummer, because being a “conspiracy theorist” used to be for the paranoid outsider.

These days, conspiracy theories aren’t just for your drug-addled neighbor who seems to own nothing to wear sans his bathrobe and hot-pocket grease-marked wife-beater. They’ve taken a bold step into the public forum on the back of Trump’s presidency, the words thrown around on major news channels with the same reckless abandon present in Trump’s own twitter feed.

No longer can you sit down, Google ‘Conspiracy Theories,’ and entertain yourself for hours on shady websites providing incredibly nuanced “facts” surrounding Tupac’s death, the Denver airport, or 9/11 (not that I do this regularly…once a week at most).

Typing those words into a search engine anymore will drag you into a plane of existence that endures solely because America’s two major political parties are locked in a shit-talking match with seemingly no end.


Having just searched the aforementioned phrase myself, one of the first links is to the Daily Beast, specifically an article titled, “Fox News Staffers ‘Embarrassed’ by Hannity’s Conspiracy Theory Crusade,”1 posted one hour prior.

Of course, the same rules apply to the Daily Beast that I stated above – it is a nuanced website described as “a progressive American news and opinion website focused on politics and pop culture,”2 keyword there being ‘opinion.’ What you can take from this account though are two proven facts: first, Rod Wheeler, the private investigator and occasional Fox News contributor who first claimed Seth Rich was murdered last year for talking to WikiLeaks and giving them “something like 53,000 emails and 17,000 attachments”3 in the Hillary Clinton email scandal has since rescinded his claim. 

In addition, the Rich family sent him a cease-and-desist letter, pleading with him and Sean Hannity to stop “[manipulating] the legacy of a murder victim in order to forward their own political agenda.”4

Second, while using his televised platform last year to bemoan the liberal media’s agenda to tear apart Trump (since he’s clearly not doing a good enough job of it himself), Hannity also acted as an informal Donald Trump campaign advisor5.

There are a slew of problems presented by these two factors alone, both moral and educational. To start, how can any person be persuaded by Trump’s favorite soap box topic, “fake news,” when the last national news station to back him is being marauded on all sides by the fact that they’ve dragged a murder victim’s name into the political playing field with no evidence to support their claims?

Furthermore, how can you continue to blindly subscribe to a message being delivered by a vehicle wrought with scandals unrelated to the previously mentioned one?? At the time of this writing (May 22nd, 2017 @ 7:15pm), Fox News has been hit with two more lawsuits citing sexual harassment and discrimination today.

I could go on with more political disbelief and general national anxiety, but let’s get back to the major issue here. I want my conspiracy theories back.

I want to look up Conspiracy Theories and lose myself in an internet stream of General Motors streetcar conspiracy or the Avril Lavigne look-alike cover-up. I do not want to be dragged every time to a news website offering its unproven insight into how past or present bureaucratic movements are being dictated by ‘the other guys.’

Our nation is one now hinged on the internet’s every breath. Unfortunately, the internet is an asthmatic machine gasping “breaking news” and he-said-she-said fodder at an unstoppable rate. To find a truly fact-driven news outlet reporting proven data in an unbiased tone is as difficult today as finding outlier conspiracies was ten years ago.

What does that say about us? Well, to start, we are a generation being driven by older generations attempting to keep up with an information-guzzling society all too comfortable accepting details and conclusions as fact as long as their presentation is a well-built website with a decent mobile platform. Beyond that, it speaks volumes about our predecessors. From all media aspects have come, in one form or another, the lamentation that “millennials” are the scourge of everyone’s existence. We’ve been blamed for everything from the diamond industry’s failing stocks to killing wine corks. An article I have yet to see is one from a major news outlet acknowledging their role in this tumultuous mess of pseudo-news overload.

Solution? We flood the web with better conspiracy theories than the major news outlets could ever hope to conjure. I’ll start! The Drake vs. Meek Mill rap feud was all a front for Nicki Minaj to politely excuse herself from her relationship with Mr. Mill and reunite with Young Money after completing her tour. Also, Miley Cryus’ most recent rebranding is an elaborate cover-up for the grow-op she’s funding in Cali.

See how easy that was! We just need roughly 5 million more per day to drown out the unsatisfactory conspiracy theories being generated by those gosh darned Baby Boomers with their “inside sources” and “un-corroborated witnesses” and “401K plans.”

1 “Suebsaeng, Andrew Kirell Asawin. “Fox News Staffers ‘Embarrassed’ by Hannity’s Conspiracy Theory Crusade.” The Daily Beast. The Daily Beast Company, 22 May 2017. Web. 23 May 2017.”

2 “The Daily Beast.” Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, 19 May 2017. Web. 23 May 2017.

3 Weigel, David. “Gingrich spreads conspiracy theory about slain DNC staffer.” The Washington Post. WP Company, 21 May 2017. Web. 23 May 2017.”

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